


Slippery when wet

by distractionpie



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: (or at least the potential of it), Attempt at Humor, Gen, Mid-Canon, Slice of Life, Swimming, Training
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 06:06:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24170071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/distractionpie/pseuds/distractionpie
Summary: It's important that State Alchemists have all the skills they need for service, and since so many of them don't go through military training it makes sense to subject them to a few yearly extra training exercises. After all, you never know what skills you might need out in the field.Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean certain Alchemists are keen to attend.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 59





	Slippery when wet

**Author's Note:**

> I saw the words Amestrian Military Water Safety Day while lurking in the snipers discord and everything I'd planning on working on went out the window in favour of this nonsense, but hey, this is the biggest dent I've made in my writers block in weeks.

“Ed! Brother — I’m sure if you just talk to them, they’ll understand!”

“Oh, sure, because Colonel Bastard has just been the pinnacle of understanding in the past!”

“Well...”

“And what about you, huh? Even if they don’t understand how much automail weighs, they’ve gotta know that armour doesn’t float, yet they’re still—”

“It’s a military order,” Al reminded him. “I’m not a part of the military, so nobody will expect that I take part.”

“And I’m an alchemist. Why do I need to pass a swimming exam? We’ve been working just fine up till now without this rubbish.”

“I think you were supposed to last year,” Al said. “But we were busy with out of town research.”

“And we could have been again, if that stupid bastard—"

“I’m sure the Colonel is only trying to help.”

“Oh, come on,” Ed said, trying another door. “He’s—”

Right in front of them, slamming a small dark notebook shut as he looked up —up! And sure it was only because he was sitting on a crate, but up!— in surprise.

“Fullmetal,” he said slowly. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for the assessment day?”

“Shouldn’t you?” Ed replied. “It’s for all State Alchemists, right?”

Beside him, Al nodded in confirmation, but then said, “I’m sure the Colonel doesn’t need you to—”

“Not a leading from the front kind of guy, or something?” Ed continued. No way was the bastard forcing him to take part but skiving out of it himself. If this really was official military torture, Mustang ought to have to suffer through with the rest of them.

“I’m an expecting my subordinates to follow simple orders without having to be micromanaged kind of guy,” Mustang bitched. “You did read the directions—”

“Oh, wait! Of course you don’t want to do the swimming thing,” Ed realised. “You’re useless when wet!

“Firstly—! No,” Roy shook his head. “My alchemy is not relevant to the matter at hand—” which was just bastard for Ed was right but he didn’t want to admit it “—I graduated from a military academy, I’ve already proven I can meet the physical standards. This event is aimed at those who attained their rank only through being a state alchemist, to ensure their fitness should alchemists ever be called to front line service again.”

Of course, the military would want to ensure their dogs were always ready to attack. 

“I’m out there every day,” Ed reminded him. All of his field research meant he spent a lot of time proving his fitness, even if it wasn’t always in military sanctioned ways. “You’re the one hanging out behind a desk all day, what do I have to prove to you?”

“This exercise isn’t my idea,” Mustang said. “But when dealing with the higher ups, it’s important to know when to make concessions. So you are going to report to the training area, preferably without my having to drag you there, since as you can see, I’m very busy.”

So was Ed! There was plenty of research he could be getting on with that was of higher priority than being summoned to central command and listening to Mustang’s empty threats of being able to drag him anywhere, like he ever did anything more strenuous that scribbling in his notebook and, Ed took a look at the shelves behind Mustang, “You’re hiding in a closet.” That was great. If Mustang was avoiding the stupid swimming session too, then he had no way of forcing Ed there.

“No, I’m—” a shadow fell over Ed “—corralling my subordinates to ensure that they don’t slack off and skip this important mandatory training.”

“Nobody is expecting Fullmetal to complete the standard swimming assessment, sir,” Lieutenant Hawkeye said mildly from behind Ed. “It would hardly be appropriate, what with his automail. Although, I believe they could benefit from attending the water survival lecture.”

Ed grimaced. The best way to survive water was to stay the hell away from it.

“You heard the Lieutenant,” Mustang said, smugly. “Off you go, boys.”

“You too. It’s a yearly assessment for a reason, Colonel,” Hawkeye reminded him. “It’s important to ensure inactivity hasn’t made anybody sloppy.”

Ed opened his mouth to agree, and then paused. As tempting as it was to poke at Mustang for getting out of shape behind a desk, as long as she was arguing with the Colonel, Hawkeye couldn’t also be escorting him to the training.

“We’ve done just fine so far,” he said. “And I think—”

“No, Lieutenant Hawkeye is right,” Al interrupted. “I can’t believe we’ve never considered this before. Safety is important and there’s no reason to think our research wouldn’t take us near water. It would be good for us to be prepared for accidents, even if the more conventional training doesn’t suit us, I’m sure we can get some ideas from watching.”

“I’m sure we could come up with some ideas without having to waste a day watching a bunch of lab guys hang out in a pool,” Ed pointed out. “Like avoiding having accidents in water. We’ve never had a problem before, why would it be an issue now?”

“We can’t rely on luck forever,” Al insisted. “And didn’t Lieutenant Colonel Hughes mention that his daughter was about to start swimming lessons. Ed, if we attend then when we visit we’ll have some common ground to talk to Elicia about, wouldn’t that be nice?”

“I’m sure Elicia doesn’t want to hear about some stupid military assessment,” Ed grumbled, but if Al and Hawkeye wanted him to attend, then there was really no way of getting out of this. At least Hawkeye seemed to understand that there was no way Ed was actually getting in the pool. Still, at least he could delay as long as Mustang held out...

But Mustang was getting to his feet.

“How fast do you think you’ll sink Fullmetal? Perhaps you can take Major Armstrong’s place as the drowner for the water rescue demonstration,” he said. “I’m sure that would make an excellent story to tell at Hughes' next dinner party.”

Ed glared. “Oh yeah, it will lift the mood right back up after breaking to them the tragic news of how you drowned.”

“Nonsense, I couldn’t possibly drown,” Mustang said. “Water is just hydrogen and oxygen, both of which are simple elements to manipulate.”

So his alchemy did work on the basis of manipulating the air for fuel, just as Ed had often suspected. But it wasn’t like he could swim with his gloves on, so if he was going to use his arrays... Was Mustang going to get out of the exercise by setting the pool alight?

Crazy bastard. But since Ed was only going to be watching from the sidelines anyway...


End file.
